Things you'll never or should never hear at mass

• "Lettuce. Pray!"
• "Give us this day our daily spread and lead us not into temptation. Amen"

I heard this one at mass and it makes me want to puke.

• "Sweetheart, The body of Christ"

Come on guys. It's straightforward and simple don't add on "Honeybun", "Sweet stuff", "Hot Lips" or anything else. It's just "The body of Christ" or "The blood of Christ". Simple.

Instead of getting an Amen from Husband during mass you hear

• "ZZZZZZ!"

• "For our good and the good of all Her holy church"

Oh, you looney nuns on a bus. Yes God is beyond gender but we are limited. The church has prescribed the response to be "for the good of all His holy church" so just lump it. Be obedient and pray it so we can pray in unison and in community. Good grief! If everyone interjected their own philosophy on the mass it would be pandemonium. For the good of all things holy let's just please pray in communion.

For those times when mass runs especially late because not only did the homilist preach on today's scripture but also on a few others. Here is something you'll never hear at the end of mass:

• "We especially want to thank 'insert visiting priest's name here' for visiting and for those 3 homiles today.