I like traffic lights

I like traffic lights

I like traffic lights

I like traffic lights 

but only when they're green"

Today's meditation, yes today's meditation comes by way of Monty Python. How's that for a meditation?

I love my family. I love my in-laws. I love the state of Texas. I love my job. I love my monkeyboy.

And yet, working in the same space my family lives, from my in-laws home, living in weather 2 degrees cooler than the surface of the sun, not having an actual office from which to conduct business and living with hormonal tweeners brings anxiety levels all of it's own.

How do I deal with it and where is Jesus in all this mess? Oh, most definitely its a mess. It's unsettling and it's raw and rough. I most definitely don't like it. It doesn't feel right. It feels like wearing underwear two sizes too small. You know it's there and it's pinching and chaffing sensitive areas making it tough to breathe.

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me - Psalm 22:1

and yet, in the midst of this I can still take solace in the same psalm that says in a few verses later

For he has not spurned or disdained the misery of this poor wretch, did not turn away from me, but heard me when I cried out - Psalm 22:25

Monty Python and Psalm 22, who else is going to give you a meditation like that???

My daily med: You dirty rotten scoundrel

I write about anger quite a bit because I suppose that's what I struggle with the most. I have plenty of other things to work on but anger is a recurring theme in my posts so I was particularly struck by today's reading from Lk 17:11-19, about the ten lepers. It says:
They stood some way off and called to him, "Jeusus! Master! Take pity on us" When he saw them he said, "Go and show your selves to the priests".

As they were going away one of them noticed he was cleansed so he returned, praising God and Jesus comments:
"Were not all ten made clean? The other nine, where are they? It seems none has come back to give praise to God but this foreigner."

First thing is if you don't know, the foreigner was a samaritan, the enemy of the Jews. They avoided each other typically. Imagine one was a republican and the other a democrat. The one thing you don't ever want to discuss with an American is politics. If you are from the other party, forget it, there is no discussion. The talk will denegrate to heated arguments if you are of the opposite thinking. There is no persuasion. There is no understanding. There is bigotry. There is hatred. There are preconceived notions of the other. The one side screams of tolerance, yet they are intolerant of those who disagree with them resorting ultimately to prejudice. The other side is no better, presuming the heart and mind of the other, discounting their beliefs and resorting also to prejudice. Yet, when they are threatened, when they are both equally affected, they come together to seek help.They rebuild for example, just like they are doing in New York city.

The other thing about the lepers is that they were required to announce their presence to give others the opportunity to flee ahead of them because their disease was seen as contagious and no one wanted it. This is why they stand far off from Jesus. Even today leprosy is incurable. It can be controlled now with hygiene but there is no cure. Jesus frees them but only the foreigner returns to praise God. Was Jesus angry that only one returned? If he was, his anger turned towards disappointment.

In those who can't control their anger, it's usually the other way around. See how when God is not the center of your universe, you get all turned around? Those who can't seem to manage their anger will find that their disappointment turns to anger. Jesus on the other hand can't resist a cry for pity. The soul in need is an obligation on his part to help. He doesn't need to be convinced. His heart is moved by people's need. Love can't hold back when it sees people in need.

The leper's cry for help is in stark contrast to the Pharisees who stubbornly refuse to call Jesus master. Who refuse his help because they were strong, healthy, talented and self-sufficient. The lepers had no other alternative but to acknowledge their utter helplessness. As a result they received the transforming grace of God. The Pharisees in fact, don't even see their error and on the contrary, consider themselves in communion with God. This alone should make us stop and consider our own relationship with the Lord.

I wonder at it all with simple gratitude.

The innocence of a child

In my retreat I've been stuck on my meditation of the testing of Abraham. I haven't really been able to get past it. It's been quite consuming. 

What joy Isaac must have had. Here he was finally going on a field trip to worship God with his dad. He was doing the grown up thing. He was a special and invited guest. How happy he must have been to have some intimate time on a journey with his dad, carrying things for him, eating, sleeping, conversing, sharing time together, and seeing new places probably for the first time. He must have been elated. Abraham, probably not so much.
Isaac doesn't fight his father when it comes down to - he's the sacrificial offering. No. He allows himself to be tied up, trusting his dad. If he's old enough to go on a long journey and carry the wood up the mountain, then he's old enough and strong enough to oppose his elderly father. He doesn't long to be injured, hurt or die but he innocently trusts his father. How do we know that, well scripture goes on to tell us he was quite a mama's boy and his own son goes on to dupe him to secure his blessing. The thing about mama's boys' is that they are no wimps. They can actually be quite masculine, tender, thoughtful  and yet so completely clueless. (Monkeyboy is the quintessential mama's boy.) The point is Isaac allows himself to be duped. He allows himself to be put in the position that he might get hurt; he allows himself to be vulnerable because that is what it means to be a child. A child by their very nature is vulnerable, innocent, trusting until they respond from their woundedness. The most striking thing to me is that Isaac goes on to live a vulnerable, innocent, trusting life even after he was almost mortally wounded.
How often do I allow those wounds in my life to dictate how I will react instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable, innocent, trusting even if it means allowing myself to be wounded anew?

My other thought about this passage is joy. How joyfully Isaac carried the wood for the sacrificial offering! How joyfully Jesus must have carried the wood of the cross. Sometimes we don't allow ourselves to consider that our Lord as brutally mistreated as he was, carried the wood of the cross with unmistakable joy. It's enough to keep me in meditation for quite some time.

Chasing some asses

When a man goes chasing after asses (1 Samuel 9: 1-4 and 17-19) that might be your first clue that he's going to turn out to be an ass. Said and done.

I was completely tickled by Saturday morning's readings of Saul hunting for his dad's prized asses. It's in the Bible folks, look it up. Freaking hilarious!

Anyway THIS is the guy chosen to lead God's people. Remember I said be careful what you ask for because you just might get it?? The people beg God for a king because why??? They have God, but somehow God isn't good enough for them. They want to be like everybody else who have kings to rule over them. So God grants them their hearts desire and how do we recognize the new leader? He's chasing asses. Nice. Great kingly material there! If you follow the precious story of Saul, you see how he's in it for himself. How after he conquers, he disobey's God and keeps some of the bounty for himself and his men. Well from there "it all goes pants" for precious Saul.

How many lessons are in this story? How many times do I see what others have and want it for myself or want to have that lifestyle instead of my own? How often do I promise to do something and then cheat a little? How often am I truly thankful for what I have for what I've been through, for the pain and the sorrow, for the struggles I've faced because that's what's shaped me. Those are the things that have helped me let go of my selfishness. I don't know that I could do it without those trials because honestly, I'm a bit of a selfish ass in need of God to continue to chase me down.

Morning coffee with God

I got home a few days ago from mass as husband was finishing his morning meditation. I think he appreciates that I leave in the mornings to celebrate mass because it affords him a silent moment to enjoy coffee with God. To be quite honest I'm a little jealous of his coffee time with God but this particular morning he was a bit unsettled. So I asked...Turns out his meditation ended with the question ' Do you trust that God knows what he's doing in your life?'

To which I blurted out, 'Hell no!' and husband responded 'Exactly! Now I'm stuck for the rest of the day left to chew on that!'

Hmmm. I can say 'I trust' but there's an incompletion if word doesn't make it to action. The action makes it truly present such as 'The Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us', or the son who did the father's will even though he said he wouldn't vs the son who didn't do the father's will even though he said he would.

If I trusted God...

   I would worry only about disappointing Him.

   Nothing but discerning and doing His will would concern me.

   Out of love and devotion I would fear offending Him.

   I would be completely dependent on Him.

   My attention would always be on knowing, loving and serving Him.

   Doing His will in all things would be the only thing that mattered to me.

So indeed, that's a lot to chew on.

God's own fool

"When we in our weakness believed we were strong,

He became helpless to show we were wrong."

I wonder sometimes if God isn't best understood through paradox. I was reminded of this in today's reading from Luke1:5ish where Zechariah questions the angel Gabriel. He asks him how he will know he's to be a father (after the angel announces this will happen - dude, he just told you!). His doubt results in his losing his voice. Perhaps Zechariah was like me speaking much but saying little, who knows? Perhaps his strength was his preaching, his vocal prayers but in his weakness, his inability to speak, emerges God's strength. When he regains his voice, he speaks little but says much. From his silence emerges one of the great prayers of the church. A prayer she prays daily in the morning office, the Canticle of Zechariah.

Who's shoes

Have you ever played Who's shoes? It's when you can tell who's coming down the hall by their gait, the clip-clop of their hooves, or the pitter patter of the soles of their shoes hitting pavement. Just like that characteristic tell-tale give-away that someone's coming down the hall, each of us has a pattern, a way we act and react that gives us away. Sometimes it endears us to our friends. Well God is like that. There are ways He characteristically acts in our lives and sometimes you can tell it's Him if you learn to play who's shoes.

So here what he does with me: I will blog, meditate, converse on a topic and maybe get an insight or idea. The following day, I will be exposed to a teaching, a conversation, re-read my blog or read Scripture that points DIRECTLY to an insight or experience of the previous day. That's when I know it's a God moment. It's a beautiful bouquet He places in my path and then he hides the card to be found later affirming it's from Him. He doesn't always do that, but when I'm particularly confused or I need to be affirmed or convicted that's what He does.

Incidentally, the evil one plays who's shoe's too but here's the kicker: If you learn how to play who's shoe's with him, you can head him off at the pass and learn to anticipate him and his movements and dash towards Mary's loving arms. I let her deal with Him. She doesn't seem to mind because it gives her an opportunity to hug me yet again. Can't get tired of hugs!

All in

There is something to be said about contemplating a crucifix. When I gaze upon the figure of the God-man hanging in what looks like sheer defeat, I see the power of submission. Submitting to God's will doesn't mean I'll be happy, pleased or satisfied but it means I will be fulfilled, content and totally used up. It means I am all in.

I imagine Jesus didn't get up one day and decide, 'Hmmm today would be a good day to be humiliated and die upon a cross'. I expect He didn't feel like going through that, much like some days I don't feel like praying, I don't feel like going to church, I don't feel like doing my work, I don't feel like putting up with my family, boss, stress, or even opening myself up to being humiliated. No I expect he didn't feel like it but quite the opposite, he willed it because he was 'all in'. It's not something you do halfhearted. It's not something that can be done half-heartedly.

My daily med

It doesn't matter so much what we dress like if we don't cloth ourselves in holiness. It doesn't matter so much what we eat if we aren't feeding our souls with the Word of God. It doesn't matter what we do, how we arrange our day if it's not imbued with love for God.

My daily Med: Sirach

My child from your youth choose discipline, and when you have grey hair you will find wisdom. As though plowing and sowing draw close to her; then wait for her bountiful crops. For in cultivating her you will work but little, and soon you will eat her fruit. She is rough ground to the fool! The stupid cannot abide her. She will be like a burdensome stone to them, and they will not delay in casting her aside. For discipline is like her name, she is not accessible to many….With all your soul draw close to her; and with all your strength keep her ways. Inquire and search, seek and find: when you get hold of her, do not let her go. Sir 6:18-22,26-27

Well that explains a lot! When God writes a love letter, he's brutally honest. I like that. It's not like I didn't know I am a stupid fool burdened by stones but thanks just the same. The whole plowing and sowing... it's hard work. I don't like gardening. We have a house. Why? Husband wanted one. I wanted a small box to live out of but we needed a yard because we had the dog and apparently the kids needed space. How many of our decisions in life are shaped by what others need? Yes, even the dog rated higher than what I wanted and now the useless lump is dead (miss you Brina. I really do. That dog was the best part about any of our dwelling places.). That shows you where I rate, below the dead dog. So now we have a yard and weeds. Do I want to get out there and work in the yard... uh hell no! I did enough of that growing up and I'm done. My brother, that was his life and livelihood. He loved that sort of thing, but I just don't. Know your limitations. I know mine.

Our Lord knows them too; so in his brutality he closes off his love letter with something reminiscent of Tobit Chapter 13 (perhaps), "Draw close to him and he will draw close to you and no longer hide his face from you" and verse 27 reminds me of Matthew 7:7 ask and it will be given you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened to you and also of the Song of Solomon (You know, the racy book in the Bible) when I found him who my soul loves. I held him and would not let him go 3:4). It was this last one that really got my attention. I hate disciplining myself as much as I hate gardening. I don't like fasting (disciplining my senses), modesty (disciplining my language), sacrifice (disciplining myself) but how can I draw close, how can I ask, how can I seek, how can I knock, how can I find him if I don't get off my duff and weed the garden of my soul? I'll do it. I'm not going to like it, but I'll do it. All I have to say is you better help me 'cause my garden is reminiscent of the Weasley borough. It's a mess!

My storm

I got used to silence, and a quiet, clean, peaceful household. They've been back 1 day and my clean house is wrecked. Seriously, they are a tornado!

After the death of John the Baptist, Jesus is trying to get away to a quiet spot to mourn the death of his cousin and he's taking the disciples with him, but instead what do they do? They bring the crowd! Great job guys! So does Jesus get angry, upset, frustrated? We do know, he forgoes his retreat in lieu of ministering to others in his moment of need. Being a diocesan priest is a ministry of interruption. Ministry is what you do IN the interruptions, and sometimes we think they don't understand us. Sometimes I wonder if WE understand them. So Jesus continues in the midst of his need to minister to everyone else, taking what little we have to offer and turning it into an overabundance. Only after everyone is satisfied does he send the disciples off.

Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor? This time he sends the disciples off ahead of him. This time they won't be bringing a crowd with them when he's trying to go on retreat! Jesus himself dismisses the crowd before going off to pray. He sees the disciples in the boat battered by the waves in the early evening but he doesn't approach them until early in the morning. What gives? 

When I'm battling something in my life, I'd much rather be spared the torment of enduring it or of disciplining my senses, but if I'm to grow I have to go through the pain of it. When the kids were gone, I'm not going to lie, the first month was tough. I thought I'd go out of my mind. I made it through one day at a time, somehow. In some sense though these past few months were like a retreat. I had silence whenever I needed it. I'd read, pray, exercise and play wii. Listen, Jesus would have played wii if they had back then! 

Now that they are back, it's tough. I got used to certain things, and now I have to take what I've learned on my "retreat" and apply it in our lives as a family, all the while keeping my heart focused on Jesus in the midst of my distractions.

Although I do have to admit when my distractions tell me that they missed me and that I give the best hugs and cuddles ever, it kind of makes my day!

My morning med

It used to be that husband would give me strange looks (well he still does) but this was because I would get up at 5 am find a quiet spot and pray, meditate and start my day. It was a beautiful habit but not quite a virtue because I dropped that habit in lieu of sleeping. The only prayer I've been able to maintain at that early hour of the morning is the one that is set aside for the intention of others. That one I habitually manage to maintain. Woohoo 1 virtue!!!

When I ponder it, I find my day is always better when I make the effort to get in my prayer time (and mass), but I often struggle with the discipline it takes to maintain a prayer life. So how to do it? I guess there is no easy way, which is why it takes discipline. This morning I set no less than 3 alarms, 2 of which I managed not to be able to turn off so they went off 5 times. I got in all my morning prayers, meditation and THEN went back to bed.

I still managed to make it out of the house earlier than I otherwise would have. I have no idea how that happened but it kind of makes me want to try again tomorrow.

The kingdom of heaven

The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure buried in a field, which a person finds and hides again,
and out of joy goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. Mt 13:44

Out of joy! What's your treasure? What's mine? Sometimes I think my husband should be a very jealous man because I love no man, I long for no man, I desire no man like I love, long for and desire Jesus. He is a very difficult man to love, Jesus. He is a hard one to satisfy but oh so easy to please. How I love to please him!

He takes pleasure in the little things, like when I pray for an enemy at my expense and sacrifice, when I give up something very special to me to benefit someone else, when I inconvenience my schedule because someone needs my time and attention. Praying for an enemy is easy, "Jesus bless .." but to pray 'Jesus, may they be happier than me, make my friends their friend, even if that means I lose a friend. Would you do that for me Jesus?' 

Does it hurt to pray like that? Yep, because it's a personal investment and involvement, but it's also exhilarating. I guess that what they mean by out of joy they go and buy that field. I've got to be willing to give up something if I want the better part and I'll end up with the infintely better deal because God is the world's most generous and amazing lover! Ever!

From Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher

"If I were a physician, and if I were allowed to prescribe just one remedy for all the ills of the modern world, I would prescribe silence. For even if the Word of God were proclaimed in the modern world, how could one hear it with so much noise? Therefore,create silence."

My Daily Med: "Have I been with you for so long a time

and you still do not know me?"
This passage reminds me of...gonna say it...wait for it...yep... Catholics.
Cradle catholics, those "been catholic my whole life", " I was raised Catholic", cafeteria Catholics, lillie and poinsetta catholics ( ACE catholics - advent, christmas, easter) whatever your personal favorite is, that's what the reading today speaks to me about and I'm not immune. I completly accuse myself of being guilty too.
The thing is each and every time we enter into the holy sacrifice of the mass, we have the opportunity to meet Jesus. It's not some abstract idea of a real presence. It's him in the flesh, body, blood soul and divinity and do we take the opportunity to meet him, to know him, to love him, to serve him each and every moment of our lives? The hard and fast truth is that every person that meets Christ is transformed. You never leave him the same way you came. Never! Read any of the Gospels. The magi, the first to meet our Lord, went home a different way. That's important! That should happen to us too.
So often it doesn't. Why is that? Is it because we never met him? Are we just like Philip who listened to Jesus' preaching, ate and drank at his table(Eucharist) and camped out with him (adoration) but never really met him/got to know him?

If we never knew him, who's fault is that? It takes 2 to enter into a relationship and it takes 2 to maintain that relationship. He's doing his part. Are you doing yours?

I see dead people

What strikes me about todays reading is the post resurrection Peter, accuses the high priests with deliciously insolent vehemence. His strength obviously comes from Christ. This same Peter who denied Jesus, can't help but proclaim His power and divinity. I would've hated to be one of the chief priests who crucified Jesus being told now that this same Jesus you crucified, yeah well in His name this man was healed.... It must have felt like they were seeing dead people.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

I love Naman, the syrian leper

What struck me in today's reading (2Kg5:1) is that Naman's pride nearly puts him in the same position as the prideful Jews irritated with Jesus' assertion that God healed the Gentile, not the Jew in Lk4:24 with 'no prophet is accepted in his native place'.

Naman even though he did an ordinary thing, he took a bath to be cured, he didn't want to. It was beneath him, such a simple thing to do, but it was his servant girl that prompted him to search, his servant that prompted him to do as simply as he'd been told. Had it not been for them, Naman would have never glorified God in such a simple way. He came away a changed man, humbled, but it would have never happened had it not been for the witness of the servants, the nameless, faceless, unthanked servants. The servants didn't do it for love of Naman or for personal gain, they did it for love of God. Their faith moved the mountain of Naman's arrogant pride and they did it from the position of subordinate servitude.

My daily med

More tortuous than all else is the human heart, beyond remedy;
who can understand it?

Jerimiah 17:9

 It used to be I never saw God at work in my life, now almost nothing occurs where I can't see his sneaky interplay. As a lover there is no question. No one has ever loved me as unconditionally, no strings attached, as He has nor has anyone ever demanded as much from me, albeit with paramount gentleness... a bruised reed he shall not break, a smoldering wick he shall not quench... Indeed, he knows how bruised we all are.

My daily med (Lk9:51-56)

When the locals refused to welcome Jesus his disciples asked him, should we smite them, call down fire and let it consume them? Huh, huh? Can we? Please, please, please. Sacred scripture says Jesus's rebuked them. I'm guessing his response was something like this:

My Meds

      In Luke's gospel parable of the rich man and Lazarus (16:19-31), both die and the name-less, face-less rich man begs for Lazarus to be sent to him to comfort him. While in this life Lazarus lacked all the material goods of the rich man, what most amazed the kids when we discussed this was that the rich man knew Lazarus in this life. He knew his name. To know one's name is to gain entry into intimate friendship with someone. Nevertheless, Lazarus remained a name-less person to rich man as he lived this life. So I asked them,who is the Lazarus in your life?
   Whether they remained speechless because they were pondering or whether they were bored will remain to be seen.