I must confess

I am quite honest in the sacrament of confession. I need a good soul baring every couple of weeks so a while back I walked into the Cathedral and waited my turn to see my confessor.

There is an absolutely cool thing about confession. Everyone goes. Popes, priests, Supreme Court Justices (Antonin Scalia, John Roberts to name a few), actors (Jim Caviezel ), construction workers and irreverently pious people do it often. This particular day I waited for a construction worker to make his confession. I can't tell you with what joy I approach the sacrament after I saw him come out. Honestly, here was an ordinary guy working construction, hard working man and he's walking out of the confessional holding his hard-hat and going off to work, holier - wow, just awesome.

So I go in, kneel and within 30 seconds the priest knows my state in life-married with kids, vocation, work and when the last time was since my last confession. Very important things to know so he can better know where I'm coming from and where I am spiritually. What followed was absolutely transforming. I was honest, brutally honest as usual with my struggles and how frustrated I have been with my anger, how it almost defines me. If there is one all important thing about confession - it's that you need to be honest. You can't be hiding things and expect awesomeness to follow.

So after my 30 seconds of who I am and another 30 of where I am spiritually, he sighed. He actually sighed! Now as a frequent confessee I can tell you I get this occasionally. This time it wasn't a sigh of exasperation - I get that too. It was a sigh of "Ah, we're actually going to discuss things of substance today!" It's almost as if he had been waiting for me because he needed to have this discussion as much as I did.

And we did! We talked about deep but simple spiritual facts. In fact I don't think he told me anything much different than what he would have told a person with a same-sex attraction - You're feelings don't define you, who you are. We talked about the discernment of spirits. It's a delicate thing this discernment of spirits.

Anger is an emotion, albeit a very strong one and dealing with it leaves me exhausted so I need the grace, seemingly constantly. If I'm not struggling with anger then I'm struggling with listlessness - two polar opposites! No wonder I'm a mess!

My confession, continues

On to my confession story which I didn't finish last time:

I have a regular confessor. I find it's helpful to have someone who knows me and my history so he can help me on my journey toward holiness, but I travel a lot. So I visit cathedrals as often as I can and I will avail myself of the priest in the cathedral penitentiary for a sacramental confession. When you see priests standing in line for confession, it's probably a safe bet that it's a good place for a confession.

I have yet to be disappointed. They say advent is a time for waiting but it's not a passive waiting. I wait in hope for Jesus to come into my life but there is activity in that waiting. Why is it that two people can go through the same few weeks of advent and one ends up forever changed and the other observes a passage of time but essentially is the same as they were before advent?

It's like asking why if I place an egg in water to cook does it come out cooked or why does it come out raw? In both cases the substance is the same, water and egg but the catalyst, the heat to boil the water is either present or it is not. In much the same way if I enter into advent without some activity to draw myself closer to Christ, it won't happen. It's not a passive waiting. It's bustling with activity.

My activity centered around the sacrament of confession. More about that tomorrow.

When angry is the weather pattern

Calm your anger and forget your rage - Psalm 37

I had this amazing conversation with my confessor about my anger. He asked me why I was so angry and what was going on that's got me wound up? I must have had this complete lost and total look of helplessness when I answered, "I have no idea. It's like I wake up and just like the weather is cold outside, I'm angry. It's just a fact of nature. Likening a weather pattern to an emotion, is the only way I know how to explain it." Aside from the grace that flows from sacramental confession which I don't mean to downplay,..... how to deal with anger?

If it's cold outside, bundle up and protect against the elements. If it's angry inside, bundle up and protect against the elements. Here's how I bundle up: I pray. I ignore it, in the sense that I offer my anger to God. (just because I'm angry doesn't give me a free pass to act on it.) I admit/acknowledge/recognize that I'm angry - that one's important. Name it, because then you can place it. Feed on scripture and load up on grace. That's what I'm trying to do and if that helps you then praise God.

Pastor with benefits

I attended a wedding yesterday. The couple was married by their Lutheran pastor. I've attended Lutheran worship services, served with pastors and members of other faith traditions while exercising ministry and enjoy the company of those of other faith traditions, even the evangelical Atheists. I dig them all. Really. The sight of a Lutheran pastor in a Roman collar though was a tad off-putting. It's not the first time I've seen a Lutheran pastor in a Roman collar but it does give me reason to pause and it made me immediately think of 'Friends with Benefits' (as gross and disgusting as that is to contemplate) because that's the bad taste it left.

You see "Pastors with Benefits" take all the benefits of being recognized as clergy without the sacrificial self-giving of oneself completely in ministry. Perhaps some would argue that's not the case. Perhaps where you live a Roman collar means Methodist minister, but universally throughout the world, sorry a Roman collar denotes unity with Rome. It means a priest is available for the sacrament of confession and for annointing of the sick in any situation including emergencies. Denominational ministers are not conferred the sacrament of Holy Orders and thereby do nothing more for me than any other lay person can do. Through the power of the church any denominational pastor cannot absolve me of my sins because by definition(of denomination) that pastor is not in communion with the Catholic church. Granted they may have knowledge, schooling, and gifts no other has and thus can discuss faith with public persons... just like any other lay person can.

A priest is available for ministry at any hour. He can be called to anoint the sick with the oils consecrated by the Bishop. While any pastor can minister to the sick, the priest by virtue of his ordination doesn't exercise HIS own ministry, he acts in Persona Christi ("in the person of Christ"), meaning that however sinful he is, however unworthy HE might be for ministry, God has set him apart to minister. It is Christ acting through him to bring healing, and the forgiveness of sins to His people. He does this by virtue of his ordination in communion with the church. It's not something he does on his own. It's a minor distinction, but it's critical. Some people think priests never disagree with the teachings of the church, but that's not the case. While they may be sympathetic to arguments made against certain teachings of the church, the truth is because they don't exercise their own ministry, because they exercise obedience to church teachings they and we who follow are guaranteed not to err. Any denomenational pastor or person who disagrees with his churchs' teaching are free to splinter off and create the next new and greater denomination with new church teachings and they do so at an alarming rate.

Further, the priest gives of himself completely by embracing celibacy. Is it easy? Not a chance. Is it radical? Absolutely! As Christians we are called to love. What wouldn't you do for your lover? Would you love them in a radical way? Sleeping with a potential spouse before marriage is an easy thing to do. Waiting until after marriage for sex, well that's a radical way to love. It's sacrificial. It hurts. A Roman Catholic priest sacrifices a potential wife and family to take as his bride the church. He takes a vow of obedience to his Bishop, a vow of chastity and some also take a vow of poverty. Are there abuses? Yes. Are they widespread? Not a chance. I've known way too many priests and am good friends with more than a few to know that abuses in the priesthood hurt them. I've seen firsthand how they suffer the repercussions of the priest abuse scandal. So it pains me when I see denominational ministers sporting the Roman collar for recognition, but easily side-step away from the taunts of those who acuse them of abuse because, they aren't "Catholic". They can listen to my story. They can bring me words of comfort. They can pray with me, but they cannot give me the body and blood of Christ and they cannot absolve me of my sins not even in an emergency. So why wear the collar?

Michael Duffy has an answer as the collar as yolk and witness.
Citing Monsignior Mangen and Fr. Murray's also weigh in Why a priest should wear his Roman collar:
"The Roman collar makes the priest available for the Sacraments, especially Confession and the Anointing of the Sick, and for crisis situations. Because the Roman collar gives instant recognition, priests who wear it make themselves more apt to be approached, particularly when seriously needed. The authors can testify to being asked for the Sacraments and summoned for assistance in airports, crowded cities and isolated villages because they were immediately recognized as Catholic priests."
Pastor Reckart a denominational pastor even quoted the Monsignior's piece in giving reasons why pastors should NOT wear the Roman collar.

Signs I might be in need of the sacrament of reconciliation

- when dealing with a challenging person, the thought of beating them severely with a tree branch is a source of comfort

- when in the middle of prayer, you find yourself making lists, planning your day and all of the sudden you realize and ask yourself 'what was I doing?'. 

- when you're about to, are or have done something just a tad shady you ask yourself, "Hmm, is that really a sin?". Run, do not walk to a confessor.

- when your energy is being sapped from you when in your vocation, it's time for that booster shot of grace from the sacrament. 

I can't do this whole mom gig on my own because I figured something out about myself, I suck at it! Seriously! I'm constantly interrupted, constantly having to take situations and turn them into teaching moments, take care of others before my own needs, avert crisis, listen to complaints and address them and find a clean pair of socks before I leave the house, and sometimes 'clean' is optional. I have to empty myself and be there for others, all this before breakfast. 

So that sacrament is my lifeline. It's my salvation because it is so intimately tied to the cross! It's what He did for me so that I can return His love by asking out of humility for forgiveness for all the things I've done that has hurt and broken our relationship so that He can pour more of Himself into me, more of His love, more of His patience, more of His meekness, more of His humility, more of His kindness, more of His grace. 

I wouldn't drive in a car without periodically changing the oil or filling up at the pump. How much more important is my soul than my dumb car?